How to Be 100% Heterosexual Series Master Post

• Noah “Puck” Puckerman
• Sam Evans
• Quinn Fabray
• Artie Abrams
• Dave Karofsky
• Santana Lopez
• Finn Hudson
• Will Schuester
• Rachel Berry
• Tina Cohen-Chang
• Mike Chang
• Kurt Hummel
• Emma Pillsbury

How to be 100% Heterosexual by Emma Pillsbury

1. Talk about nailing an attractive, blonde teacher to a wall

2. Avoid looking at an attractive woman in the same room as you.

3. Don’t have sex with men, even your husband.

4. Move your head so your boyfriend doesn’t kiss your lips.

5. Plan on marrying a man you have no attraction to and don’t plan on ever touching—you can’t have people suspicious about why you’re still single after all these years.

6. Dress your boyfriend up in woman’s lingere under the guise of a costume from Rocky Horror.

How to be 100% Heterosexual by Kurt Hummel

Okay, this one, like Santana and Dave’s, is obviously going to have a different feel since it’s 100% fact that they are gay. These will be Kurt’s attempts to stay in the closet. This is not meant to be offensive, so I really hope you don’t take it that way. Because I’m sure Kurt will look back in a few years’ time, or even now, and think, “Why did I think people would believe I was straight?”

1. Where a sequined vest (for football, obviously)

2. Blow kisses at the crowd when you win the football game.

3. Ask the girl you’re kissing what boys’ lips taste like

4. Do a princess/beauty queen wave when you make the football team

5. Make a big deal to all of your friends that you’re holding a girls’ hand.

6. …and tell her about your moisturizing habits.

7. Even though you’re single, question if you want to make out with one of the hottest girls at school who just offered it.

How to be 100% Heterosexual by Mike Chang

1. Want to play Dr. Frank N Furter in The Rocky Horror Show

2. Really get into a performance by an all boys school.

3. Try to stop your girlfriend from making out with you

4. Take the first steps in confronting the guy who is bullying your only gay friend.

5. Tickle and tease the only gay man you know at the time.

6. Flirt with the dapper young hobbit you’ve recently met.

7. Perform a sexualized song as a background dancer for the only gay guy you know at the time.

8. Lean in real close to the hot, blonde jock with big lips

How to be 100% Heterosexual by Tina Cohen-Chang

1. Positively beam when a girl touches your breasts

2. Sing “I Kissed a Girl” for your school’s glee club try-outs

3. …and make sure to emphasis your genitals.

4. Think of a woman when making out with your boyfriend.

5. Cry when you have to sing a love song to a guy.

6. Sing lead on the works of gay icons/activists.

7. Wear lots of plaid

8. …spikes work too. The riot grrrl movement was full of purely heterosexual women.

9. Threaten to cut your boyfriend with the righteous blade of equality…while wearing plaid.

10. When you have no inhibitions, spend lots of time laughing and getting really close to one of your best girl friends.

How to be 100% Heterosexual by Rachel Berry

1. A girl slaps you across the face at prom? Forgive her instantly because she’s the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen.

2. …comfort her by telling her that she is absolutely beautiful, too.

3. …in fact, spend as much time as you can telling people that this girl is the prettiest person ever. Even try to get her nose.

4. …And just stare at her with want/need/love.

5. Become a football player

6. While everyone in your glee club performs a sexy number, sit back and hang out with the pretty girl.

7. Get up close and personal with the new, cute foreign exchange student when you’ve only met a few minutes ago

8. Try to get other girls to wear your clothes so you don’t have to imagine it anymore.

9. Sing a lesbian duet with your best girl friend. Make sure to get really close to her and lick your lips during it.

10. Join a club that only has one member: the prettiest girl you have ever met.

How to be 100% Heterosexual by Will Schuester

1. Creep on high school boys in the shower

2. Hug hot teen boys whenever you can. Hot adult men can be substituted in as well.

3. Give hot teen boys your number so they can call you when they’re drunk

4. Perform sexualized duets with your hot high school nemesis and don’t take your eyes off him as long as you can help it.

5. …It’s best if you two are both panting at the end of the number

6. Get your Glee kids to perform Rocky Horror. It’s just a coincidence that with your original casting you get to see the attractive gay kid in a corset and fishnets and the hot blond jock in tight shorts.

7. Let two of your sexy male students join your all male a capella group and give them special lesson where you teach them how to move their whole body but especially their hips better.

8. Listen to one of your students talking about bending over and taking it like a man…listen intently.

9. Drive two hours away to visit your former gay male student (and hug him of course!)

10. Have a fantasy musical sequence where you dance around with a ripped, male student of yours

How to be 100% Heterosexual by Finn Hudson

1. Agree with your gay, male friend that you should just give up girls altogether. 

2. Tell your gay, male friend that you already have a date to prom, not that you’re straight.

3. Sing a love song and slow dance with your new step-brother who just happens to be a gay guy who was in love with you.

4. Audition to be a male cheerleader

5. Wear a red latex dress, a la Lady Gaga

6. When you thrust into various girls and a guy slaps you on the ass during a performance, be more worried about your best guy friend seeing another person touch you then your girlfriend seeing it.

7. Have as many conversations with the new, hot, blond jock in the locker room while he is half-naked.

8. …and sneak in on him when he’s showering.

9. When fighting a cute, blonde guy, make sure to touch his chest.

10. Stare at your gay step-brother turn while wearing high boots and a kilt that rises higher and higher as he twirls, then compliment him…while drinking warm milk he most likely made for you

How to Be 100% Heterosexual by Santana Lopez

1. Wear overalls. Lots and lots of overalls. 

2. …camo works, too. As do the 100% heterosexual Bully Whips outfits.

3. Grind behind your boyfriend at prom and smack his ass repeatedly. 

4. Don’t make eye contact when you slow dance with that boyfriend.

5. Have a musical fantasy sequence with your best friend (who you often sleep with/make out with) wherein you dance sexually.

6. Make sure you wear a suit when you do so, too.

7. Participate in voyeurism with your best girl friend.

8. Do body shots of your best girl friend

9. Only participate in duets with girls, even if it is a romantic occasion such as prom.

10. Make loving eyes at your best friend who just happens to be female.

How to be 100% Heterosexual by Dave Karofsky

1. Stare at a hot, blond guy’s ass

2. …but if anyone asks you were totally just checking out his jeans.

3. Have your girlfriend grind behind you and slap your ass repeatedly. Make sure you look like you enjoy it.

4. When you slow dance with your girlfriend, avoid all eye contact possible.

5. Leer and almost lick your lips when you see a fine man

6. Wink at the only openly gay guy at your school.

7. Have banter about haircuts with the only openly gay guy you know.

8. Wear this outfit: