So you have a son who you know has been gay since he was three, but he hides that from you and pretends to be straight. Do you force him out of the closet? No, you let him have the fucking fantasy that he is passable as a straight man. And when he finally comes out you don’t pretend that it’s a shock, you know what you do? You tell him it’s not going to be easy for you since you’re an honest mother fucker. But you also let him have the bit of drama he needs since, let’s face it, he lives off of drama, so you ask him if he’s sure about it. Oh, and let’s not forget that you tell him you love him no matter what and hug him, even though you aren’t the hugging type.
Now your flawless bitch of a son is depressed and thankfully it’s not about a guy, it’s about the fact that his choir director won’t give him a chance to audition for a solo he can sing. What do you do? You threaten that son of a bitch director and that good for nothing school with a flame thrower and get your son the chance to audition. Then when he throws it since he doesn’t want to hurt you, you admire him more than anyone else and invite him to spend time and bond with you. Like a mother fucking boss.
But now your flawless bitch of a son set you up with another woman who you love dearly and he’s upset that you’re bonding so well with this woman’s son—who’s, not secretly, a lot manlier and a lot more what you expected your son to be when you first held him in your arms. Do you yell at him for being slightly bratty about it because this boy never had a father and you give all your love to Kurt? No. You give him space. Then your flawless bitch of a son starts dressing more like you and talking about Melloncamp and even starts making out with a cheerleader in your basement. Do you pull him aside and tell him that he should stop being ridiculous since he’s gay? No, you tell him that you’re okay with whatever sexuality he is and to be safe, but you leave him be since you know he won’t do anything with this girl. Then when you see your son upset and singing his heart out to an empty auditorium, you comfort him but refuse to let him play the victim since you have done nothing wrong, either, your son it just hurting. Then you hug it out like the flawless bitches you are.
Now you have your girlfriend and her son move in with you and your son and agree to let the boy live with your son, because you that’s the only other room and it’s homophobic to say they can’t? But then the boy starts yelling homophobic slurs so the claws come out. NOBODY MESSES WITH YOUR BABY BOY. Yeah, maybe if you were calmer you would’ve found out what was going on with the whole situation first, but who the fuck cares? Your son’s emotional state and heart are more important in the long run. So you kick that motherfucker out of your house, solidifying that you love Kurt above everything else. Fuck yeah.
Now your son decides to be a bitch again, this time about not wanting to go to a family dinner after missing several beforehand. Do you let it slide? No, you tell him that you’re disappointed since these meals have been sacred since his mom was alive, so he needs to sort out his priorities. Then you have a heart attack but does that stop you from being awesome? No, you’re still the best motherfucker in the whole motherfucking world.
And when you find out about your son liking the boy, you store it until it’s a good time to talk to him about it. And you don’t let him get away with it. But you still love him and comfort him, but just inform him that he needs to wait for someone as brave and flawless of a bitch as he is.
Then you finally propose to that woman who is as flawless of a bitch as you and your son gets you a free fucking band. Most people would just walk down the aisle while a teenage show choir sang a sappy romantic song, but not you. What do you do? You fucking dance down that fucking aisle like it’s a fucking runway and embrace the white dancing you do.
Then your son, who got a death threat from a bully, is in danger, so you and your flawless bitch of a wife sacrifice your honeymoon savings to transfer him to a safe school. Oh, and you go after that motherfucker. Yeah, not the smartest move since he’s a minor but no one messes with your beautiful baby boy. Plus
Then you find another guy in your boy’s bed. Your gay son’s bed. No, that’s not gonna slide. You wouldn’t let your stepson have a girl in his, so yeah, this won’t fucking slide. You confront him. And yeah, maybe he didn’t do anything with the boy but he’s still gay and it’s inappropriate. And you try so fucking hard to be this flawless bitch for your son and it’s hard to follow Brokeback Mountain because it involves tents and well
But then this boy must have some balls since he comes to your shop—where you have some sharp tools and hammers—and he tells you to give your son a sex talk. And y’know what, it kind of makes sense how that hobbit puts it, funny enough. So yeah it’s scary as fuck, but you get those pamphlets and read them—God you will never look at the name of your car shop the same way ever again—and make your flawless baby boy read them since he needs to be aware of these things, whether he wants to or not. It’s tough, it’s awkward, and you didn’t want to do it, but you did it because you do whatever the fuck you want, because your name is Burt Mother Fucking Hummel. And bitches better recognize.